Why We Avoid Difficult Conversations
Have you ever felt like you’re avoiding, dreading or wishing you didn’t need to have a difficult conversation with someone? And have you ever stopped to think about why this is a topic you’d rather put off than face head-on? The primary reason is because as humans, we don’t want to hurt another human. We hold a belief that some part of what we need to say could be hurtful to the other person. However, the real truth is that not being honest about our feelings is what hurts others most and damages trust in the long run. What conversation do you know you must have, but are avoiding with someone close to you?
As I discuss in my book Intelligent Huddles:
“Avoidance is one of the brain’s most powerful ‘safety mechanisms’ where it believes it’s protecting us, when in fact it’s doing the opposite. Avoiding the problem almost never improves the situation. This is definitely the case when it comes to communication, because if it’s not fixed it can lead to much larger problems that can ruin an organization.”
To assist you with becoming more skillful in having tough conversations, I want to share some hot tips on how to confront your avoidance and lean into a productive way forward so you’re able to have great discussions that result in your desired outcomes as you speak with others.
Hot Tip #1: Preparation & Deconstruction
Before the actual conversation, write down what you want to bring to the conversation. Ask yourself: What is most important for me to share and talk about in the conversational space? It’s also vital to consider the best timing for the conversation, how long to plan on talking, and the optimal location. Time and space often aren’t considered, yet these factors have significant impact on the outcome if you give them some thought beforehand.
Hot Tip #2: Prime Your Conversational Space for Trust
The most successful conversations begin with the intentional creation of a safe space grounded in trust. This environment allows people to feel comfortable sharing what’s in their hearts and minds. To achieve this, lead the conversation with transparency and allow yourself to be honest and vulnerable. Consider these ideas to prime your space:
Let the other person know if you’re feeling nervous.
Express that your hope is for you both to understand where the other is coming from as you discuss the issue.
Open up and communicate that what you’re sharing comes from a place of caring and that you don’t want to hurt them.
When you share your ideas with each other of what mutual success looks like, it contributes to a solid foundation of trust.
Hot Tip #3: Take a Time-Out
If emotions start to run high, either or both of you can take a break from the conversation to gather yourselves and your emotions; this enables you to shift to a place where listening and connection can effectively resume. The amount of time for a break is up to you, it can be five minutes or even 24 hours. There is a lot of value in taking a healthy time-out. Ensure that you agree on how long of a break to take, and commit on a set time to resume the conversation.
Hot Tip #4: End Strong
As your conversation nears its completion, make sure you have a clear set of commitments and actions you’re both taking away. Ending strong ensures that you won’t have to repeat this process regarding this topic again. You should feel your commitments in your hearts and your respect for each other is how you adhere to them.
Moment of Introspection & Leadership:
The greatest lesson I’ve learned repeatedly throughout my life is that I never get the outcome I’m hoping for by avoiding an important conversation. I’ve discovered a lot of relief and courage knowing my fear came from not wanting to hurt others by sharing what was true for me. Being honest is not always easy, however I know that when honesty shows up with candor and care, significant breakthroughs follow.
Priming my conversational spaces and leading with transparency about how I’m feeling and what I hope to achieve by having a conversation have helped me stay more emotionally regulated and have more beautiful conversations. I hope this information does the same for you!
“The truth will set you free.”
REFLECTIVE & DISCOVERY QUESTIONS FOR THOUGHTS & JOURNALING
What conversations are you avoiding right now?
Where do you wish you were stronger when it comes to your conversations?
FOR YOUR TEAM DAILY HUDDLE
How would you describe our commitment to always being honest and truthful with one another?