Understanding Your Unmet Needs
Try this thought on for a moment: Reflect on the last time you were in a conversation and started feeling upset or angry. Was the person you were conversing with taking over the conversational space, or not listening to you? Were you excited to share your ideas, only to be overshadowed by someone blurting out all their ideas in a one-sided speech? Now take a step back into the present. Ask yourself: What did I need during that interaction that I did not receive? Perhaps you needed to be heard, and not being heard created a feeling of anger. Using curiosity, you can better understand your unmet needs and how to satisfy them.
Beneath our upsetting emotions lie unmet needs. Understanding this can help you tremendously in your relationships with yourself and others, and directly impact the way you lead conversations, particularly when they’re difficult. By being aware that we all have needs and operate at our best when they’re satisfied, you can have greater clarity around how to express what you’re feeling based on your needs and create this space for others.
Most of us get stuck in our negative thoughts and fail to get curious about what’s underneath them. Let’s talk about some practices that will help you work on getting your needs met, and communicating effectively with others who feel their needs are not being met.
Prime the conversational space by being transparent about what you’d like to achieve during your time together. You can let the person know that you have an idea you would love to share and ask if this is a good time when you can both listen and talk without being distracted.
Express that you would like to share an idea and have them process it for 30 seconds before contributing to the idea.
Let your conversation partner know that you are there to listen to what they would like to share, and ask what is most important for them to get out of the discussion.
When you feel your needs are not being met, here are some questions to ask yourself, to lean into curiosity and gain insight about what lies beneath your feelings:
What am I observing in my frustration? What words or non-verbal cues triggered me?
What emotions am I feeling and where do I feel them strongest in my body?
What did I need most from this conversation?
Use these questions to identify and satisfy your unmet needs, become more skilled at increasing awareness of your emotions and where they’re coming from, and help others move through this process as well.
Moment of Introspection & Leadership:
Understanding my needs more over time has been a driving force in the development of my leadership. This process has supported me in knowing where to place my attention to gain understanding that brings clarity and relief.
Everyone has needs. By paying attention to when your needs are met and unmet, and what this brings up for you in your relationships, you will discover what is most important for you to share and talk about in skillful conversations that create stronger connections.
I invite you to experiment with this journaling prompt: “During what parts of my day did I experience joy and upset?” Reflect deeply on the conversations you had and try to identify what you needed and received, versus what you needed and did not get. This is a powerful way to continue knowing more about yourself!
“We need joy as we need air. We need love as we need water. We need each other as we need the earth we share.”
— Maya Angelou
REFLECTIVE & DISCOVERY QUESTIONS FOR THOUGHTS & JOURNALING
What relationships of mine bring me the most joy?
What is something that I need most in a friendship?
FOR YOUR TEAM DAILY HUDDLE
What are the most important needs of our team to have a successful day?